Sports Video Game March Madness: Final Four

Yesterday I presented the eight contenders vying for top honors as the best sports video game of the 90's.  I gave you their tournament resumes.  And despite the fact that I'm starting to think that this line of posts sucks, I'm going keep going with it, because what else am I going to do at work?  To make it out of this round, the games are going up against each other based on my experience with them.  Whatever, here it is.

Matchup 1:  Ken Griffey Jr. Major League Baseball vs. NBA Jam




Case For Ken Griffey Jr.:  When everyone wanted to be like Mike, Griffey brought the cool back to baseball.  He was the man, and if not for injuries would have hit 2,000 homeruns.  But back to the game.  I'm pretty sure I have carpal tunnel from playing this game for hours on end.  And when I finally won the World Series, I pretty much shit my pants.  I don't know if I've ever been as happy as I was then.  Reading that last sentence back makes me realize that I'm pretty much a huge loser.  Whatever.  Griffey was the shit.

Case For NBA Jam:  It was the first game that said "fuck it, lets just do crazy shit."  People were dunking from the other side of the court, there were 50 point shots, backboards were breaking left and right.  I'm even pretty sure that there were hookers and blow ... assuming that you played with Shawn Kemp or Anthony Mason. 

Winner:  Ken Griffey Jr. - You could literally throw pitches ten feet off of the plate, then bring them back for strikes.  I once had 30 strikeouts in a game with Randy Johnson.  Yup, let it go to extras just to do it.  I did  it.  Rhymes with winning?

Matchup 2:  NHL '94 vs. Madden 2002



Case For NHL '94:  Fired up by the prospect of playing hockey after scoring like eight goals with Adam Oates, I got my first pair of rollerblades.  They were pretty legit.  Neon black with lightning bolts or some shit.  Didn't think there was a neon black, did ya?  Yeah, well, there is.  And it fucking rocked.  Probably wore them once, but whatever.  Not the point.  The point is that I once had a hat-trick with Oates, Ray Bourque, Ted Donato, and Sea Bass in the same game.

Case For Madden 2002:  The day the new Madden game came out was like St. Patrick's day, New Years, and Batman Golf all rolled into a bottle of whisky handed to you at Centerfolds.  But once my buddy choked me out after I kicked his ass with that stupid "run around with Culpepper and thow to Moss" move.  Advantage, not this.

Winner:  NHL '94 - Not just one of the most underrated games of all time, one of the most undrrated things of all time.

Matchup 3:  Shaq-Fu vs. Royal Rumble (with a little help from RAW)



Case For Shaq-Fu:  Like I said yesterday, this game pretty much sucks.  I couldn't even think of a way to put it in to words, so I searched for reviews of the game.  The first sentence I read pretty much summed it up: "To say that Shaq Fu is bad is like calling genocide 'a little naughty'."

Case For Royal Rumble:  OK, so this game was awesome.  And part of why it is awesome is that it was the first WWF game for SNES.  It also gave birth to WWF RAW for SNES.  These two games combined changed my life.  Probably for the worse, by keeping me in the house, eating Corn Pops and Cool Ranch Doritos, and most likely flirting seriously with childhood diabetes.  But whatever, fun times, fun times.  Back to the games.  Remember in RAW how you could get cheat codes and do super moves with all the wrestlers?  1-2-3 Kid's turnbuckle-to-turnbuckle jump?  Bam Bam Bigelo's torpedo?  Doink's field-goal kick?  Yokozuna's cannon-ball off the top rope?  Yeah, I thought so. 

Winner:  Royal Rumble (with a little help from RAW) - No duh.


Matchup 4:  Mario Kart vs. Duck Hunt



Case For Mario Kart:  Arguably the best video game of all time.  So may different levels.  You could play with up to like eighty people, I think.  My buddies and I would literally pull all nighters, competing in tournaments to see who was the baddest Kart driver out there.  And by all nighters, I mean crashing from a sugar high at like 11:00 and having a headache for the rest of the next day.  Don't judge, I was like 11 years old.  Really, I was just practicing for my future of being a degenerate gambler and functioning alcoholic.  That's thinking ahead kids.  Don't ever tell me that I've never worked toward anything.

Case For Duck Hunt:  First game I ever played, which counts for something.  But once I got tired of just doing the same thing, over and over and over and over, I had to move on.  Kind of like another first.

Winner:  Mario Kart - Really a no contest, second round TKO.


So there we are.  We have our Final Four.  More tomorrow.  Like it or not ...