Richard Simmons Makes Me Want To Die In Plane Crash

Richard Simmons Stars in Weird New Airline Safety Video

By Lindsay Robertson, The Set | Monday, March 28, 2011, 10:44 AM

Have you been missing '80s fitness guru Richard Simmons, and his always-chipper, upbeat attitude? Don't worry, he's back, in the form of New Zealand Airlines's new in-flight safety video spokes-dancer, of all ridiculous things. I guess if the idea here was to get flyers to actually pay attention to the in-flight video, whether they know who Richard Simmons is or not, mission accomplished! But when Richard gets to the morbid, "in case of emergency" stuff, the video starts to resemble a bad "SNL" sketch more than anything: 


Yup. They did it. They win. Yeah, this thing is terrible and makes me want to kill myself. But that's gotta be what air lines are shooting for, right? I mean, we all fly. We fly all over the place. But we all know that if shit hits the fan, we're fucked. And usually there is some video before we take off telling us how to save ourselves. Awesome, if we're in a free fall and rocketing toward the earth like a scud missile, then I'll wrap a bag around my face and bank on the four people in isle 21 to guide us to safety. Nope. I know that we're all going to die. But where the air lines have been missing out is the fact that most of us want to live. But not with this shit. Throw a Richard Simmons flick at us, and I for one want to die. Tell me that you don't want to die after seeing this action. You can't, because you do. You do want to die. So good work, air line that uses this thing. You have convinced everyone on the flight that either you land us, or, if you don't, everyone is cool with being dead. I mean Christ, this makes you want to crash on the take-off. I mean, that doesn't happen that often, but this crap would make me pray that the plane goes down in the first minute of taxiing on the runway so that I can minimize the amount of time that this video can roll around in the old brain noodle. Good job, air line video. You have made all of your customers want to die on take-off. Slow clap.