Sports Video Game March Madness: Down To Two

We had a hard-fought quarter finals yesterday, and now we are down to our Final Four.  We have Ken Griffey Jr. going up against NHL '94 in a matchup of actual sports video games, and we have WWF Royal Rumble battling Super Mario Kart.  Today's winners will be determined by analyzing who would win in a fight.  Again, I don't know what I'm doing with this post anymore.  It's kind of gone off the rails.  But I'm in too deep to stop now.

Matchup 1:  Ken Griffey Jr. vs. NHL '94



Upon first glance, it would seem that the hockey players would waste no time kicking the shit out of the baseball players.  But a more discriminating eye would see that because hockey players are used to simply fighting with their fists, and because some of the big baseball players of the mid 90's were fucking crazy, this may be pretty close.  I mean, Jose Offerman would clearly bring the gun to the knife fight ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tKds-Sc3mw ).  And we can just ask Robin Venture about how Nolan Ryan might do in a throw down.  Mike Greenwell has been ghetto stomping alligators since 1982.  And, of course, Albert Belle tried to murder some kids with his SUV, no big deal (http://www.foulballs.net/2006/07/in-case-you-forgot-albert-belle-is.html ).  All in all, the baseball players are pretty fucking nuts.  Not to mention that they all were inches away from throwing around some roid rage inspired double suicide-murders all over their families.  You know they had a lot of rage in 'em.  I think the baseball players are just crazy enough to fuck up the hockey players.

In a stunning upset, Ken Griffey Jr. WINS



Matchup 2:  WWF Royal Rumble v. Mario Kart



Wrestlers versus cartoons.  Hmm.  Well, the wrestlers certainly have training and experience on their side.  But the cartoons have something going for them that the wrestlers don't:  They're fucking cartoons!  They don't follow the rules of nature.  They get, like, three lives and shit.  And in Mario Kart especially things are pretty weird.  They fly off the edge of the world in Rainbow Road, and some dude brings them back to life on a string.  With ninja moves like that, the cartoons may be tough be beat.  And they have thunderbolts!  Can't compete with wizard shit.

In what really turned out to be a complete ass kicking, Mario Kart WINS


So there we have it.  We're down to our championship matchup.  Ken Griffey Jr. takes on Mario Kart tomorrow in a showdown that is sure to be ... shit I don't know.  Whatever.  See how it all goes down tomorrow.