Awesomeness of the Day

In honor of the NFL Combine, some weight training awesomeness, proving once and for all, you can be as dumb with weights as you can be with machines.

Clippers Celebrate Black History Month In Wrong Month

The L.A. Clippers will be celebrating Black History Month in March rather than February, and advertise the event by putting an old rich white dude's face on the ad.  Of all the people to fuck this up, I give you Donald Sterling.  Trading McDyess wasn't enough?  Drafting Lorenzen Wright over Kobe wasn't enough?  Taking Olowokandi over the likes of Dirk and Pierce wasn't enough?  You had to go with this?

Solid work, Donny.

Charlie Sheen, Still Winning

I mean, I don't need to say anything at this point, right?  Have fun kids ...

Sports Video Game March Madness

Selection Sunday is just a couple of weeks away.  Soon every ass-hat in an office pool will be talking about Syracuse and Ohio St. as if they actually watched more than ten minutes of a game, but actually just watched Dick Vitale rant and rave like a coke head having a seizure on the 6:00 SportsCenter.  But ya know what?  One of those ass-hats is going to win the pool, and think that he did it because he knew something.  He didn't.  He never does.  He picks George Mason because he went there.  She picks Florida because she likes Joakim Noah's hair.  He picks UNC because he didn't get in to Duke Law School.  Yeah, that dick face is going to win.  If I happen to win, I won't pretend that I did it with skill.  Not this year, when top five teams lose like it's their job.  Too unpredictable.  No science to it.  So in an effort to add some science to bracket season, I created my own tournament of sorts.  It pits awesome sports (sports-ish) video games of the 90's against eachother, in an effort to determine which, once and for all, is the best sports video game of the 90's (one slight caveat:  I have no idea what year any of these are from (other than Madden 2002, which probably isn't from the 90's, but whatever, this is my blog)).  I will unveil the contenders today, along with their tournament resume.  Get to a Final-4 tomorrow.  And we will have a champion by Wednesday.  Post your champion by the end of the day.  If you win, you don't get anything other than the knowledge that you were bored enough today to read this garbage.

CONTENDERS:


Ken Griffey Jr. Major League Baseball:  Good Wins:  Homeruns seemingly went seven thousand feet; Jay Buhner and Paul O'neil has lazer-rocket arms; Griffey Jr. is the fucking man.  Bad Losses:  Never really sorted out how to run the base paths; didn't have player names, although the "fake names" were pretty creative; Got no-hit once, started crying and was pretty much inconsolable.  I was, like, 15 years old. 


NBA Jam:  Good Wins:  "He's on FIRE!"; Hot Spots; Broken Glass; all sorts of shit was on fire and crap.  Bad Losses:  You're bored after ten minutes and just fuck around, trying to dunk from the three point line and seeing who can make whole-court shots.


NHL 1994:  Good Wins:  Fighting is awesome in general; Jaromir Jagr;  That wrap-around shot that allowed you to score like twenty goals a game.  Bad Losses:  It's hockey.  That's tough to recover from.


Madden 2002:  Good Wins:  That move when you scramble around with Daunte Culpepper for like fifteen seconds, waiting for Randy Moss to come back after running a deep rout, then throwing it to him every single time; racking up 750 receiving yards with Randy Moss.  Bad Losses:  Can't run the ball, can't do it; Daunte Culpepper is on the cover; it gets really fucking frustrating when the dude you're playing does that "scramble around and throw it to Moss" move.


Shaq-Fu:  Good wins:  Sweet box.  Bad Losses:  Like, everything else about the game. (This game is only in the tournament because of it's awesome game box.  That is also the only reason I convinced my Mom that it was an awesome game and I needed it or I would turn in to a hatefull child.  The game sucked and I think I lost my Mother's respect.  We'll see how far this pathetic memory can carry this dumpster-fire of a video game)


WWF Royal Rumble:  Good Wins:  Undertaker's tombstone and Brett Hart's sharp-shooter; once you figure out that "whip dudes into the ropes and then hip-toss them over the top rope" move, you were pretty much invincible in The Rumble.  Bad Losses:  Shawn Michales' finishing move was not "Sweet Chin Music"; Mr. Perfect is in the game, which may be too much to overcome.


Super Mario Kart (for SNES):  Good Wins:  Mushrooms; Tripple Mushrooms; Red Shells; Stars; Princess was hot.  Bad Losses:  Bananas; Green Shells; Lightning Bolts.



Duck Hunt:  Good Wins:  Killing shit; got to use a gun.  Bad Losses:  Skeet shooting; That stupid, drunk dog.  Chill out Fido.

Farewell Duke

Duke Snider was Brooklyn baseball.  We all know the refrain, "Willie, Mickey, and the Duke."  The first two get most of the headlines.  The last deserves his fair share.  The Silver Fox roamed centerfield for the Brooklyn Dodgers in the 1940's and 1950's, before the Dodgers moved to L.A.  He was an eight time All-Star, two time World Series Champion, averaged 42 homeruns, 124 RBI's and a .320 avearage from 1953 to 1956, and is the Dodgers' all time leader in homeruns and extra base hits.  Being an "all time" anything for a franchise like the Dodgers is like being the "all time" something for the Lakers, Cowboys, or Canadiens.  Not too shabby.  If you don't know a lot about him, google him, look him up.  One of the best ever. 

Awesomeness of the Day

You're welcome.

Why The Hell Is Shawn Bradley In Space Jam?

Space Jam was on last night.  Great friggin' movie.  Quite possibly Bill Murrary's best work.  Loved it when it came out when I was 11, and loved it last night.  When I was 11, though, I somehow overlooked the fact that Shawn Bradley is in the movie.  What the fuck?  Really?  You have Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Larry Johnson, Michael Jordan, Larry Bird ... and Shawn Bradley.  Five of those guys have put on Team USA jerseys.  The other one is this guy over here.  Absolutely amazing.  Only in America.  So after the movie, I thought that there probably was some Shawn Bradley gold on youtube that I should probably check out.  I was right.

I'll Be Watching Heat/Knicks. But For Those Of You Watching The Oscars ...

The Academy Awards are tonight.  I haven't seen many of the movies I don't think.  Is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:  The Secret of the Ooze up for anything yet?  No?  Well that's bull shit, and it also means I don't know much about the movies that are up for winning anything.  That's not going to stop me from predicting the winners and losers, though.

Best Picture:

• The Fighter - Maybe a WINNER - Good movie, and I'm terrified of everyone from Lowell, so I'm not going to say anything bad about it.
• Inception - LOSER - People who pretend they knew what was going on in that mind-fuck are lying douche-hats.
• 127 Hours - LOSER - James Franco is teaching an acting class based on movies James Franco was in, staring James Franco.  Really Franco?  Really?!  You're not that cool.  If the dude you portrayed wasn't so fucking awesome, you'd still just be that guy who was riding Seth Rogen's coat tails in Freaks and Geeks. 
• The Social Network - Maybe a Winner - Jesse Eisenberg was pretty awesome, killing zombies left and right, looking for twinkies all over the place with white man can't jump.  Wait, that's a different movie?  Whatever.
• Toy Story 3 - LOSER - Who cares.
• Black Swan - WINNER - A chick goes down on herself from what I hear.  This should win every award out there.  Like, all the Nobel Prizes, NBA Rookie of the Year, Littleton High School Athlete of the Year, American Idol winner, Flavor of Love winner ... all of them.  Slow clap ....

Best Actor:

• Jeff Bridges, Ture Grit - WINNER - I'm going to drink white russians until I pee in the oven in his honor.
• Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network - LOSER - I mean, that chick  is a loser, generally.
• James Franco, 127 Hours - LOSER - I'm pissed that I even had to write his name again.

Best Actress:

• Jennifer Lawrence, Winter's Bone - Maybe WINNER - She's Mystique in the new X-Men movie.  Sold.
• Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine - LOSER - She ruined things for Joey and Dawson.  Skank.
• Natalie Portman, Black Swan - WINNER - Again, self oral.  Rhymes with Winner!  To be honest, I don't know if it was her or the chick from That 70's Show.  It doesn't really matter.

An A-Rod Redemption Story? No Thanks

(Tim Brown, Yahoo.com) TAMPA, Fla. – For those who had Alex Rodriguez in the middle of some crazy/embarrassing/silly/beneath-a-Yankee ordeal by now, two years after he copped to the steroids mess and returned promising a new and more genteel A-Rod, are you convinced?  For you who doubted he could fold into the program, bring his bat and glove and leave the rest at home – satisfied yet?  Will you ever be?

What?  Am I satisfied with what?  Satisfied with the fact that A-Rod is a huge douche-monger who is more obsessed with his image than LeBron James, Keith Olbermann, and Bill O'Reilly combined?  Satisfied with the fact that kissing  yourself in a mirror isn't really that awesome?  Satisfied with the fact that having a centaur painted with your gay head on it is sweet?  Satisfied with the fact that trying to slap the ball our of Bronson Arroyo's hand is something other than bitch?  Satisfied with the fact that you're as roided  up as Chris Benoit?  If so, then yeah, I guess I'm satisfied. 

You can read the entire article here http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ti-arodyankees022511

Dane Cook is a Huge Douche

Watching Dane Cook on Comedy Central.  He was awesome for like 45 minutes in 2003.  Now?  Pretty much a huge ass-bag.  So I'm watching him and trying to pretend that I don't think that he sucks.  No luck,  he sucks.  So now I'm trying to think of what would be funnier to watch right now.  Here's what I have after thinking about it for four minutes:

Kittens with AIDS

Killing my family

Shitting out of my eyes

Keanu Reeves

Getting fired

SNL from 2002-2007

Howard the Duck

Being the Elephant Man

Tom Green

Hanging out with Tiki Barber

HPV and/or not knowing what that bump is

Fucking the Golden Girls ... but only the dead ones, nothing fun with Betty White

Jay Leno

The episode of Dawson's Creek when Mitch dies

Getting to third base with the push-up guy on Mass. Ave. at Tia's on a Saturday night in July



What'd I miss?

Mixology

I'm not a scientist, but if you mix some Skoal Mint Pouches with an American Spirit, and throw in a shot or four of Old Crow, it tastes like chocolate.  Just sayin'.  This combo will make you feel like a wizard.

Awesomeness of the Day

I say win.

Overrated/Underrated

So I'm happy for the Knicks, I really am.  It's a great basketball city and they've been second class citizens in the NBA for years now.  But come on kids, Melo isn't going to swing things by himself.  I mean, at best, having him gets you to lose to the Bulls in the first round of the playoffs 4-1 rather than 4-0.  His impact is being entirely overrated.  Speaking of overrated/underrated, here's my list of overrated/underrated.  What did I miss?  Also, I just pollished off a pint of Jim Beam.  I can't tell if I'm bragging or making excuses.  Probably both.  But whatever, give me your overrated/underrated.

Overrated:

• NBA Lottery (not the draft, but the actual ping pong ball night)
• The X Games
• Royal Rumble (after Shawn Michaels held on to the rope and knocked out the British Bulldog, it was all down hill)
• World Series of Poker (soooo 2005)
• The wave at any baseball game
• Superman (so gay)
• The Office (shark jumped)
• The Boston Marathon
• Johnny Walker (pait thinner gets the job done)
• Bench Press (chicks don't care ... they just don't)
• The kiss-cam at basketball games
• Box seats
• Tapas (I want what I want ... I don't want to pay for your fucking lettuce wraps)
• Assists (awesome, you passed the ball/puck ... someone else got the job done)
• Preseason college football rankings
• BMW's (ever drive one in the snow?  If not, don't.  They're like golf carts ... except you're not drunk ... or maybe you are ... in which case, keep living the dream)
• Golf carts (unless you're drinking)

Underrated

• Day baseball games
• Alonzo Mourning, Mark Price, and Latrell Sprewell (yeah, he choked out a dude ... get over it, he dominated '99)
• Strong Man competitions (once it's on, tell me you don't just keep watching)
• Thompson and Old Crow ($11.99 for the handle?  OK)
• NASCAR (you literally bring your own booze, true fact)
• Steak (it's pretty highly rated, but still underrated)
• Marcus Camby '95 (he's from Hartford, that's enough)
• The NIT (some good basketball, if you're in to that kind of thing in March)
• Wrestlemania
• Parks and Rec. (want to be in Rashida Jones)
• Sitting in the bleachers
• O.J. Simpson (he's a better football player because he choked out a bitch and murdered another bitch?)
• NHL All-Star game
• Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (tell me you didn't want to be in the Foot)
• Going to college hockey games
• Golf carts (if you're drinking)

Shawn Kemp Calls Out Blake Griffin

So Shawn Kemp is calling out Blake Griffin for a weak dunk at All-Star weekend:

"I'm a big Blake Griffin fan, but that dunk at the contest might've been the weakest dunk in the dunk contest that I've seen in a long time. I love the choir and all that stuff was great, but you at least gotta jump over the car though right? He swung over the car and landed on the hood of the car. I think he should at least be able to jump over the front of the car."

Completely, 100% agree with you Reign Man.  How the hell did that dunk win the competition?  It wasn't even a top 10 dunk from the contest, let alone a contest winner (see it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5Dk21DWU5k) .  Yeah, Blake is a beast, and yeah hes had some nasty dunks this year, but what the fuck?  He didn't jump over the car, he jumped over the hood and then landed on it.  It was so lame that the Clippers traded Barron Davis for just being involved in the mess.  And it was a freekin' KIA!  I mean, who gives a shit?  Not me, and not that Reebok Kamikaze wearing bad ass who has more children than Children's Hospital Boston.  And now, because any excuse is a good excuse to watch a little Reign Man ...

Twitter "What if's?" ...

So Kanye West Tweeted this:

"an abortion can cost a ballin' nigga up to 50gs maybe a 100. Gold diggin' bitches be getting pregnant on purpose. #STRAPUP my niggas!"

Doesn't surprise me.  This is the same guy who tweeted, "I'm like a tree.  I feed the branches of the people"  and  "sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed.  I am not a fan of books.  I would never want a book's autograph."  I mean right?  So that's what we're working with here.

But whatever, Kanye is an ass-hat.  The real problem here is that he can tweet this shit.  Which got me thinking, what if twitter had been around forever?  I mean, we'd probably have had shit like this flying around:

Wilt Chamberlain:  "I fucked your mom @ everyone."

Bill Clinton:  "Anyone seen my cigar box?"

Jose Canseco:  "My balls are in my chest cavity ... that's normal, right @ BigMac?"

Ray Lewis:  "Need new gloves ... any suggestions @ OJ?"

R. Kelly:  "My camcorder still over there? @ St. Mary's Middle School"

Troy Aikman: "Boys night out??  Whose in?? @ Kordell Stewart"

Rod Steward:  "Stomach ache :(  " 

Mark Chumura:  "Babysitter needed ... I can give you a ride here and back"

Princess Diana:  "Ugg, garage was closed ... guess I'll take it in tomorrow."

Tonya Harding: "Heading to TrueValue :) "

Patsy Ramsey:  "Looking for long term storage unit ... thoughts anyone?"

Dale Earnhardt:  "Not feeling it today"

Mike Tyson:  "Banana duct tape moving to the south up the suit jacket what color is three? @ white pigeon tiger"

Richard Gere:  "@ the pet store ...gerbils are cute!"

Michael Jordan:  "Sorry Dad :-( "

Abraham Lincoln: "Ugggg ... out with the old lady again  ... kill me :-[ "

See what I mean? 

The Knicks thought they were getting Kelly ... They got Tori

So I just posted about the Perk trade.  That got me thinking about NBA players on the move.  That got me to Melo and the NYK.  That got me to thinking about when NYK thought they had LeBron.  But they didn't get LeBron.  LeBron went big time and became part of the Big Three Douche Bags.  I was trying to think of what that would be like.  Thinking that you have an all-time great, and end up with a volume shooter who doesn't play defense and isn't a physical freak, but rather an illegitamate child and a few chicken wings away from being Shawn Kemp circa Cleveland Cavs.

And then it came to be.  It's like being Zack Morris, thinking you'll have Kelly for the rest of your life.  Then she goes all 90210, gets slutty and awesome.  And instead you wind up with Tori.  A leather jacket and sweat pants wearing, chia-pet hair growing lesbian who was probably just waiting for her turn with Lisa Turtle (can't blame her there).  So yeah, NYK is Zack, thinking he's all gravy with Kelly/LeBron, but instead he winds up with Tori/Carmelo.  Don't know what I'm talking about?  Well unless you're Canadian or some shit like that, you should.  But just to drive home the point, see what he traded in below.  Not that I really give a shit.  I hate the Knicks, the Heat, LeBron, and Melo.  But if hating things stopped me from talking about them, I couldn't converse about anything other than Boston sports, girls I want to bang, and booze.  Speaking of which, where did I put that bottle of Old Crow?

Farewell Perk

So the C's traded Perk.  I pretty much hate the move.  But that hate is predicated on Perk being healthy, and that seems to always be up in the air.  So, I'm going to give Ainge and the rest of the C's brass the benefit of the doubt and see what happens.  I am sad to see him leave though.  It's not every day you can find a center who looks like a cross between an Orc from Lord of the Rings and Bill Cosby.  I mean hell, Eric Montross looked like a cross between Jay Bilas and an albino woman.  Perk was a step in the right direction.  But we all wish you well Perk.  If things don't work out in OKC, there is no shame in going back to your old job:  Panthro of the Tundercats.

Welcome to this Shit Storm of a Mess

So yeah, this is my blog.  It's going to be about sports, drinking, doing dumb shit while drinking, and lots of random shit (think analogies comparing Dazed and Confused,  Zoobilee Zoo, and just about everything in between to how terrible of a city D.C. is, or how much of a douche nugget Chris Bosh is ... shit like that).  So yeah, that's what we're doing here.  If you like it, great.  If not, go have a glass of zinfandel and wax your legs or something.

Let me start by explaining the background.  Yeah, Pap is kind of on his way out, obviously.  He was a flame thrower who danced around like a drunk muppet, and now he cashes in runs like he's getting paid by how many runs he can throw on a middle relievers ERA.  But whatever, he was the man.  And don't even try to tell me that a few years back, when the Drop Kicks started blasting at Fenway, and you were piss-on-a-church drunk, that you didn't get fired up and want do back-flips around the standing-room-only post that you camped out in with a backpack pull of nips at 5:35.  You did.  And that's why he's the background (for now).  Pap, goggles on, pouring a Bud Light over the AL championship trophy is Boston sports.  And so is this blog.  Drunk, winning, and irreverent.  So yeah, that's that.

And don't get on me for spelling shit wrong, or using "me" when I should use "I."  I don't give a shit.  I can't spell, that's what Spell Check is for.  What is this, 1975?  And I'm probably half pint of Wild Turkey deep for most of these posts anyway, so go fuck yourself.  Welcome to Drinking Past the 7th.

I figured I should throw in a photo or something.  So here I am, about a pint of Absolute deep in.  Enjoy.