Selection Sunday is just a couple of weeks away. Soon every ass-hat in an office pool will be talking about Syracuse and Ohio St. as if they actually watched more than ten minutes of a game, but actually just watched Dick Vitale rant and rave like a coke head having a seizure on the 6:00 SportsCenter. But ya know what? One of those ass-hats is going to win the pool, and think that he did it because he knew something. He didn't. He never does. He picks George Mason because he went there. She picks Florida because she likes Joakim Noah's hair. He picks UNC because he didn't get in to Duke Law School. Yeah, that dick face is going to win. If I happen to win, I won't pretend that I did it with skill. Not this year, when top five teams lose like it's their job. Too unpredictable. No science to it. So in an effort to add some science to bracket season, I created my own tournament of sorts. It pits awesome sports (sports-ish) video games of the 90's against eachother, in an effort to determine which, once and for all, is the best sports video game of the 90's (one slight caveat: I have no idea what year any of these are from (other than Madden 2002, which probably isn't from the 90's, but whatever, this is my blog)). I will unveil the contenders today, along with their tournament resume. Get to a Final-4 tomorrow. And we will have a champion by Wednesday. Post your champion by the end of the day. If you win, you don't get anything other than the knowledge that you were bored enough today to read this garbage.
CONTENDERS:
Ken Griffey Jr. Major League Baseball: Good Wins: Homeruns seemingly went seven thousand feet; Jay Buhner and Paul O'neil has lazer-rocket arms; Griffey Jr. is the fucking man. Bad Losses: Never really sorted out how to run the base paths; didn't have player names, although the "fake names" were pretty creative; Got no-hit once, started crying and was pretty much inconsolable. I was, like, 15 years old.
NBA Jam: Good Wins: "He's on FIRE!"; Hot Spots; Broken Glass; all sorts of shit was on fire and crap. Bad Losses: You're bored after ten minutes and just fuck around, trying to dunk from the three point line and seeing who can make whole-court shots.
NHL 1994: Good Wins: Fighting is awesome in general; Jaromir Jagr; That wrap-around shot that allowed you to score like twenty goals a game. Bad Losses: It's hockey. That's tough to recover from.
Madden 2002: Good Wins: That move when you scramble around with Daunte Culpepper for like fifteen seconds, waiting for Randy Moss to come back after running a deep rout, then throwing it to him every single time; racking up 750 receiving yards with Randy Moss. Bad Losses: Can't run the ball, can't do it; Daunte Culpepper is on the cover; it gets really fucking frustrating when the dude you're playing does that "scramble around and throw it to Moss" move.
Shaq-Fu: Good wins: Sweet box. Bad Losses: Like, everything else about the game. (This game is only in the tournament because of it's awesome game box. That is also the only reason I convinced my Mom that it was an awesome game and I needed it or I would turn in to a hatefull child. The game sucked and I think I lost my Mother's respect. We'll see how far this pathetic memory can carry this dumpster-fire of a video game)
WWF Royal Rumble: Good Wins: Undertaker's tombstone and Brett Hart's sharp-shooter; once you figure out that "whip dudes into the ropes and then hip-toss them over the top rope" move, you were pretty much invincible in The Rumble. Bad Losses: Shawn Michales' finishing move was not "Sweet Chin Music"; Mr. Perfect is in the game, which may be too much to overcome.
Super Mario Kart (for SNES): Good Wins: Mushrooms; Tripple Mushrooms; Red Shells; Stars; Princess was hot. Bad Losses: Bananas; Green Shells; Lightning Bolts.
Duck Hunt: Good Wins: Killing shit; got to use a gun. Bad Losses: Skeet shooting; That stupid, drunk dog. Chill out Fido.
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