The Academy Awards are tonight. I haven't seen many of the movies I don't think. Is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze up for anything yet? No? Well that's bull shit, and it also means I don't know much about the movies that are up for winning anything. That's not going to stop me from predicting the winners and losers, though.
Best Picture:
- The Fighter - Maybe a WINNER - Good movie, and I'm terrified of everyone from Lowell, so I'm not going to say anything bad about it.
- Inception - LOSER - People who pretend they knew what was going on in that mind-fuck are lying douche-hats.
- 127 Hours - LOSER - James Franco is teaching an acting class based on movies James Franco was in, staring James Franco. Really Franco? Really?! You're not that cool. If the dude you portrayed wasn't so fucking awesome, you'd still just be that guy who was riding Seth Rogen's coat tails in Freaks and Geeks.
- The Social Network - Maybe a Winner - Jesse Eisenberg was pretty awesome, killing zombies left and right, looking for twinkies all over the place with white man can't jump. Wait, that's a different movie? Whatever.
- Toy Story 3 - LOSER - Who cares.
- Black Swan - WINNER - A chick goes down on herself from what I hear. This should win every award out there. Like, all the Nobel Prizes, NBA Rookie of the Year, Littleton High School Athlete of the Year, American Idol winner, Flavor of Love winner ... all of them. Slow clap ....
- Jeff Bridges, Ture Grit - WINNER - I'm going to drink white russians until I pee in the oven in his honor.
- Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network - LOSER - I mean, that chick is a loser, generally.
- James Franco, 127 Hours - LOSER - I'm pissed that I even had to write his name again.
- Jennifer Lawrence, Winter's Bone - Maybe WINNER - She's Mystique in the new X-Men movie. Sold.
- Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine - LOSER - She ruined things for Joey and Dawson. Skank.
- Natalie Portman, Black Swan - WINNER - Again, self oral. Rhymes with Winner! To be honest, I don't know if it was her or the chick from That 70's Show. It doesn't really matter.
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