Alaska Makes Another Case For Worst State In America

Woman trying to pet moose in Alaska park gets kick

(AP) – 4 days ago

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — Don't mess with the moose. That's the warning police in Anchorage, Alaska, are repeating after one of the animals kicked a woman in the chest and shoulder at a city park. She was checked by medics Monday afternoon and didn't have to go to a hospital.

The Anchorage Daily News reports the moose had been in Town Square Park most of the day feeding on trees. The woman in her 20s was attacked when she tried to pet it.

Police spokeswoman Anita Shell says the moose is not a threat unless provoked, so people need to give it space.

Thanks for the heads up, Associated Press.  Good to know.  Just so I'm clear, don't fuck with wild animals that are the size of a Buick?  Don't do that?  OK, got it. 

For fuck sake, that moose should have wound up a little more and put his hoof through her face.  That chick's genetic makeup should have been weeded out through natural selection a long time ago.  I can just imagine the dumb ass lessons that her ancestors had to learn.

"No Steve, don't try to ride the sabertooth tiger."

"Get out of there Ted, you shouldn't pee on bee hives."

"Stop Suzie, you can't fly!"

"No Jimmy, don't put your dick in that panther's ear."

Give me a friggin' break.  Trying to pet a moose?  Come on Alaska, have some pride.  First you give us that prick Trajan Langdon, then you throw Sarah Palin at us, and now you have this stupid shit trying to play with a moose?  Kill yourself.

WrestleMania 27

Wait, how the fuck did I miss this?  How am I only figuring this out now?  Triple H vs. The Undertaker at WrestleMania?!!? Are you fucking kidding me?!?!  Fucking awesome.  This is like Superman vs. Batman.  Zack vs. Slater.  Shaq vs. Kobe.  Balky vs. Larry.  O'Donnell vs. Trump.  Wolverine vs. Sabertooth.  Shit, this is America vs. Communism.  Tommy vs. Chucky, with fucking Lil on the line.  This shit is awesome.  WWE is getting their shit together.  First they bring back The Rock, now this?  Yup, I'm in.  What's that?  You don't like wrestling?  I bet you don't like baseball or freedom either.  Get your head right, and get on board.

AHHHH!!! Everyone Freak Out!!!

Wisconsin Assembly passes bill to curb collective bargaining

Madison, Wisconsin (CNN) -- After weeks of demonstrations in the state capital, Wisconsin Republicans cleared a final hurdle to a controversial proposal on Thursday after the state's Assembly passed an amended version of a bill that would curtail the bargaining rights of most state workers.

AHHHH!!! Everyone freak out!!!! Wisconsin law makers, who were duly elected , have lawfully passed a bill in a state that pioneered recall elections designed specifically to allow for truly unpopular elected official to be removed!!!!  AHHHH!!!!  The world is over!!!

Or, hold a recall election if this really is that unpopular.  And if that fails, elect different officials in the next election and repeal this bill.  Just an idea.  But I bet people are just going to keep freaking out.

Also, speaking of unions, I talked to my aunt this weekend, who is a teacher.  She was talking about how one of the teachers at her school is terrible and shouldn't be there.  I asked, why don't they get rid of her?  She said that they can't, because of unions.  Seriously?  You can't get rid of dead weight because of unions?  Fucking Christ.  I know that unions can be a good thing, but they also can perpetuate a terrible status quo.

Facebook Teacher Is A Loser

Fuck you Mrs. Wallace.  Get a fucking life.  This kid is on his phone because you suck at being a teacher.  I mean, I get it, you're trying to be clever and you think that busting Brad on facebook is stealth.  A few problems, bitch. 

First, you're friends with your student.  Nothing screams "I'm a big fucking loser who really just wants attention, I don't care where I get it" than friending you students.  And clearly this kid isn't like a senior or junior even.  He's of an age where his mom is taking his phone away when he gets home from school.  Brad is probably like 12 or some shit.  Good work, Mrs. Wallace.  You're tricking you're 12 year old student on facebook.  Sweet life.

Second, you wrote a freekin' novel.  One sentence: "Get off of facebook."  That would have done it.  That's all that was needed.  But what do you do?  You write fucking Mobey Dick.  You're teaching a class, you loser.  Don't write a book on facebook in the middle of class.  Christ all mighty. 

Third, "I see your friends with your parents."  Really, Mrs. Wallace?  "Your friends with your parents."  I hope that you're kidding with that one you stupid rat.  You're a teacher, maybe know the difference between you're and your.  Just a suggestion.  Also, probably don't need three question marks ending every question.  Just sayin'.

Fuck you, Mrs. Wallace.

Gymnastics Fails Are Awesome

Awesomeness Of The Day

Top 5 Football Movies Of All Time

We've done baseball.  We've done basketball.  Let's do football.


5.  We Are Marshall (2006) - HA!  No, not really.  Didn't see it.  Sounded like it sucked.  But McConaughey is in it.  And he's such an idiot that I don't even mind him.  Talk about livin' the dream, he just walks around, does push-ups, and gets laid.  Sign me up.



4.  The Waterboy (1998) - Tell me you didn't want to do dirty things to Vicki Vallencourt.  Yeah, you did.  She was the kind of white-trash hot that you wanted to get into but didn't want to tell anyone about.  Mid 90's trailer park Goth with that cheep red lipstick and random tattoo?  Yup.



3.  Varsity Blues (1999) - Any movie that can take Dawson Leery and turn him into Mox deserves a friggin' Oscar.   It's like he left the set of The Creek, took some of Steve's cool juice, and went from Steve Urkel to Stefan Urquelle.  And so many great scenes.  Hot for teacher?  I give it a 10!  And who didn't try to get their high school girlfriend to do the whip cream bikini?  And gotta love Tweeter.  "Ladies, shut up and hold on to your nipples!"



2.  Remember The Titans (2000) - All that racial tension in our nation's history, and all we had to do was jam out in a locker room, and we would have been good.  Who'd a thunk it.



1.  Any Given Sunday (1999) - I mean, what a great God damn speech.  Also, LT cuts a car in half with a fucking chainsaw.  Then he goes and rapes a 12 year old, but whatever.

Like A Bosh

Actual quote from a dude who was actually photographed doing this.  Just like a Bosh.


"I'm a big man ... So I have to get it where big guys get it."

Hearse That Drove Earnhardt Put On eBay

A 1996 Lincoln Town Car Hearse being billed as Dale Earnhardt Sr.’s “Last Ride” is up for bid on eBay.

The asking price for the hearse is $1.5 million and, with around six days left in the bidding, there have so far been no takers.

The ad says that the vehicle is located in Huntersville, N.C., which is just north of Charlotte. According to the listing, “On Feb. 21, 2001, this hearse took Mr. Earnhardt from a Huntersville, North Carolina funeral home to his final resting place. This is 100% verifiable to qualified buyers.”

(http://msn.foxsports.com/nascar/story/Dale-Earnhardt-hearse-up-for-sale-on-eBay-March-2011?GT1=39002)

Seems about right.  I mean, Justin Bieber's hair just sold for like a billion dollars on eBay.  A vampire killing kit sold for over $4,000.  Someone bought ghosts in a jar and an actual shrunken head.  And hell, someone got $32 for a shark fetus (you think I'm kidding about that stuff, but I'm not).  So why not No. 3's death cab?  Though, bidders should be aware that the hearse has had some work done under the hood following an incident on its way to the Earnhardt ceremony, shown below.

Tom Brady ... Just Livin' The Dream

OK, I get it, Tom Brady doesn't dance that well and is getting a little weird when it comes to his hair.  Every sports website and talk show has pointed that out over the past 24 hours.  I didn't really care about it, but we're getting beat over the head with it like Brady sprouted wings or murdered the president.  So what the hell, here's my take.  Who gives a shit.  He's Tom Freekin' Brady.  He could wear green cowboy boots, a top hat, and a cape with a wolf on it and it wouldn't matter.  He's married to s super model.  He has three rings.  He's put together two of the greatest seasons a QB has ever put together.  And he just ... doesn't .... give ... a shit.  He doesn't give a shit.  He knows he's the man, and he just does whatever the fuck he wants.  Hug a goat in GQ?  Sure.  Be a spokesman for Uggs?  Fuck yeah.  Wear a headband in Rio?  Affirmative, Ghost Rider.  Be kinda' weird on Entourage?  What's up Turtle.  Grow out my hair like Steven Tyler?  Yes we can.  Ya' know why?  None of it matters.  He's the man and he doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks.  Why should he?  He goes home to her ...

More "Twitter What If's ..."

It's been a while since my last "Twitter What If's ..."  so I figured we were due for another glance in to what could have been from the world of twitter:

Tiki Barber:   "Who needs the NFL, I have a 23 year old and more money than I'll ever need :-0 "

Jim Tressel:   "We're untouchable"

Pee-Wee Herman:   "Heading to the movies ;) "

Evander Holyfield:  "Ears perked for the fight tonight, @miketyson bit off more than he can chew!  WINNING"

John Belushi:   "Going hard tonight!"

Michael Vick:   "Staying in this weekend, willing to dog-sit as always :-p "

Mel Gibson:   "I f***ing hate Jews"

Jackie Onassis:   "HA ... top down!  I always get may way :) "

Tim Hardaway:   "I f***ing hate gays"

Pete Rose:   "Mets -1/2 at Reds?  Wouldn't bet on it haha"

Michael Richards:   "I f***ing hate blacks"

Rosie Ruiz:  "Anyone know when the 43 drops off at Mass. Ave.?"

OJ Simpson:  "Ugggg, bitches ..."

Danny Almonte:  "Anyone got an extra laminator? ... is that a word?  HAHA I'm a junior in college, I should know that :-P  "

Barry Bonds:  "@slamminsammy:  3 nuts?  You?"

Steve Bartman:  "Can't wait to say hi to my hero @moisesalou from my seat down the first base line tonight during Game 6!"

Charlie Sheen:   "Gonna go bat shit nuts to promote Major League III ... FACT"

Gabrielle Giffords:  "At my political rally but i have a shooting headache :(   "

Too soon on that last one?  Get over it.  See you next time on "Twitter What If's ..."

Awesomeness of the Day