Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Ice Box Is Now Wicked Hot
So, Sunday I was nursing a pretty sweet hangover. You know what not to do at 12:00 after you've been drinking for six hours? Start ripping shots of Jack like they're skittles and chasing them by eating a few cigarettes. But I digress. Anyway, yeah, as I was slowly dying on the couch, Little Giants came on. Fantastic. Great movie. Soon, Ice Box makes her appearance. Then things get a little dark for me. Not dark like "I don't remember." Dark like "really didn't want my mind to start down that path, but here we go, so let's see what happens." So yeah, long story short, I start wondering what she looks like today. I hop on the old google machine and find some gems. I obviously didn't stop there, though. I decided to follow up with a few of our other favorite little cuties from kid's sports movies of yester year. I give you, six ones to keep our eyes on:
Little Giants - Ice Box/Shawna Waldron
The inspiration for this journey down the rabbit hole, Ice Box has turned in to quite the smoooooke show. And with linebacker skills rivaling Ray Lewis, you know she has some thighs that could snap you in half like a set of cheep chop-sticks. And we all know she's not affraid to get dirty. Strap on your shoulder pads kids, shits gonna break.
The Sandlot - Wendy Peffercorn/Marlee Shelton
I mean, she was hot then. But now? Look at her, she's naked and sitting on a big chunk of wood. She was solid at mouth-to-mouth back then. God only knows how she can put those skills to work today
Remember The Titans - Little Girl I Don't Want To Look Up On IMDB/Hayden Panettiere
She knew her football and was pretty much the baddest seven year old girl on the block. Now, she's driving like a God damn psycho in I Love You Beth Cooper and was willing to make out with geek who showed her some attention. If I start talking X's, you know she'll start talking O's.
Switching Goals - The Olsen Twins/The Olsen Twins
Full House was awesome. It just was. Pretend all you want that it wasn't, but you know all the words to the theme song and you wanted to nail D.J. That's science. Now we have the Olsen sisters all grown up. They have more money than Charlie Sheen thinks he's worth and theres two of 'em. I don't know which one I have posted above, but they're friggin' twins. Who cares. So what they sort of look like aliens. I'm down.
The Mighty Ducks - Connie/Marguerite Moreau
This one came out of no where. Wasn't expecting a win out of D I. But we got one. She played hockey, so she'll probably be up for bringing some of her teammates into bed. What? Hockey players are team orriented.
Be Like Mike - Lil' Bow Wow/Willow Smith
People think Lil' Bow Wow dropped the Lil' to become Bow Wow. Untrue. It can't be. Look at these two. I for one say good for you Lil' Bow Wow, for embrasing your inner hair whipper, and starting fresh. If nothing else, it's nice to see that he put on some muscle between then and now. And, as most of you are probably aware, Bow Wow is in fact a recording artist right now. It's just not the same kid who was Lil' Bow Wow. It's Walt from LOST. For the record, I don't want to get with Willow Smith ... yet.
Rhymes With Winning
Starting a blog like this when the Charlie Sheen thing hits is like happening upon a truckload of bananas before visiting the monkey whore house. "Winning" hysteria has taken the country by storm with more force than the Ebola virus. People think he's crazy. People think he's losing it. Nope. Not true. He's got his shit together tighter than a crab's ass. Did you see the interview last night? I did. You think he's crazy? Crazy like a fox. Yeah, he gets blackout drunk, finds ways to smoke cocaine, and does shit in bed that even hookers get weird over. But he did all this while dominating network TV and being the highest paid actor on the air. Tell me that you wouldn't be doing the same shit.
But you say, "no way, he's totally lost it now ... have you seen him speak?" Yeah, I have. I also think that he's bored as shit with CBS and knows Two and a Half Men was going to jump the shark in about ten minutes if he didn't do something. Super Charlie to the rescue. Acting all bi-winning and awesome. When he and CBS sort their shit out, tell me you're not going to watch the crap out of that half-assed show. You are. And he's getting ready to shoot Major League 3. You know what's more effective and more fun than a press tour? I'll tell you. What Sheen is doing right now. Major League 3 will be the highest grossing movie of all time when it comes out, if for no other reason than because people want to see if Sheen chokes out Wesley Snipes, snuff-films Rene Russo, or eats the rosin bag. You'll watch it, and he'll make eleventy million dollars.
Seriously, this guy is on fire. He started a twitter account yesterday. And although he had yet to tweet anything, he had over 700,000 followers. Rhymes with winning?
So hats off, Charlie. Keep winning. Keep pumping that tiger blood. Keep partrying in ways that make Keith Richards and Frank Sinatra look like droopy eyed, armless children. Keep living the dream. I'm with ya, Adonis.
And yeah, some of this clip is in Spanish or some shit. Why? Bilingual is bi-winning.
BYU Dismisses Player For "Honor Code" Violation
BYU is ranked in the top five for the first time in a long time. They were on what was looking like a magic carpet ride season. That was, until they dismissed forward Brandon Davies from the team for violating the school's honor code. As a school with a strict religious foundation, Brigham Young University has a very extensive honor code. The provision of the code violated by Davies is "unclear." The team will look to continue their success without their starting forward. The remaining roster shown below.
Sports Video Game March Madness: Down To Two
We had a hard-fought quarter finals yesterday, and now we are down to our Final Four. We have Ken Griffey Jr. going up against NHL '94 in a matchup of actual sports video games, and we have WWF Royal Rumble battling Super Mario Kart. Today's winners will be determined by analyzing who would win in a fight. Again, I don't know what I'm doing with this post anymore. It's kind of gone off the rails. But I'm in too deep to stop now.
Matchup 1: Ken Griffey Jr. vs. NHL '94
Upon first glance, it would seem that the hockey players would waste no time kicking the shit out of the baseball players. But a more discriminating eye would see that because hockey players are used to simply fighting with their fists, and because some of the big baseball players of the mid 90's were fucking crazy, this may be pretty close. I mean, Jose Offerman would clearly bring the gun to the knife fight ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tKds-Sc3mw ). And we can just ask Robin Venture about how Nolan Ryan might do in a throw down. Mike Greenwell has been ghetto stomping alligators since 1982. And, of course, Albert Belle tried to murder some kids with his SUV, no big deal (http://www.foulballs.net/2006/07/in-case-you-forgot-albert-belle-is.html ). All in all, the baseball players are pretty fucking nuts. Not to mention that they all were inches away from throwing around some roid rage inspired double suicide-murders all over their families. You know they had a lot of rage in 'em. I think the baseball players are just crazy enough to fuck up the hockey players.
In a stunning upset, Ken Griffey Jr. WINS
Matchup 2: WWF Royal Rumble v. Mario Kart
Wrestlers versus cartoons. Hmm. Well, the wrestlers certainly have training and experience on their side. But the cartoons have something going for them that the wrestlers don't: They're fucking cartoons! They don't follow the rules of nature. They get, like, three lives and shit. And in Mario Kart especially things are pretty weird. They fly off the edge of the world in Rainbow Road, and some dude brings them back to life on a string. With ninja moves like that, the cartoons may be tough be beat. And they have thunderbolts! Can't compete with wizard shit.
In what really turned out to be a complete ass kicking, Mario Kart WINS
So there we have it. We're down to our championship matchup. Ken Griffey Jr. takes on Mario Kart tomorrow in a showdown that is sure to be ... shit I don't know. Whatever. See how it all goes down tomorrow.
Matchup 1: Ken Griffey Jr. vs. NHL '94
Upon first glance, it would seem that the hockey players would waste no time kicking the shit out of the baseball players. But a more discriminating eye would see that because hockey players are used to simply fighting with their fists, and because some of the big baseball players of the mid 90's were fucking crazy, this may be pretty close. I mean, Jose Offerman would clearly bring the gun to the knife fight ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tKds-Sc3mw ). And we can just ask Robin Venture about how Nolan Ryan might do in a throw down. Mike Greenwell has been ghetto stomping alligators since 1982. And, of course, Albert Belle tried to murder some kids with his SUV, no big deal (http://www.foulballs.net/2006/07/in-case-you-forgot-albert-belle-is.html ). All in all, the baseball players are pretty fucking nuts. Not to mention that they all were inches away from throwing around some roid rage inspired double suicide-murders all over their families. You know they had a lot of rage in 'em. I think the baseball players are just crazy enough to fuck up the hockey players.
In a stunning upset, Ken Griffey Jr. WINS
Matchup 2: WWF Royal Rumble v. Mario Kart
Wrestlers versus cartoons. Hmm. Well, the wrestlers certainly have training and experience on their side. But the cartoons have something going for them that the wrestlers don't: They're fucking cartoons! They don't follow the rules of nature. They get, like, three lives and shit. And in Mario Kart especially things are pretty weird. They fly off the edge of the world in Rainbow Road, and some dude brings them back to life on a string. With ninja moves like that, the cartoons may be tough be beat. And they have thunderbolts! Can't compete with wizard shit.
In what really turned out to be a complete ass kicking, Mario Kart WINS
So there we have it. We're down to our championship matchup. Ken Griffey Jr. takes on Mario Kart tomorrow in a showdown that is sure to be ... shit I don't know. Whatever. See how it all goes down tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Celtics Sign Mandatory Odd Looking White Guy For Fans to Root Uncontrolably For
Today the Boston Celtics signed NBA free agent big-man Troy Murphy. Murphy has been a solid player at the NBA level after an All-American career at Notre Dame. He will add rebounding to a suddenly depleted Celtics front line just in time for the final regular season push.
More importantly, however, Murphy satisfies the Celtics seeming team requirement of having a foolish looking white guy who can sort of shoot and just runs around like a drunk cow on a frozen pond. I can see why the Celtics need this semi-mascot, though. Did you ever go to a game at the Garden when Scal or Harangody got in the game? The place lost its shit. It was like they were seeing Baby Jesus battle Hitler or some shit. The crowd's collective breath hung on every move these guys made. And with the Celtics trading away both Harangody and Semih Erden, Murphy fills the void.
More importantly, however, Murphy satisfies the Celtics seeming team requirement of having a foolish looking white guy who can sort of shoot and just runs around like a drunk cow on a frozen pond. I can see why the Celtics need this semi-mascot, though. Did you ever go to a game at the Garden when Scal or Harangody got in the game? The place lost its shit. It was like they were seeing Baby Jesus battle Hitler or some shit. The crowd's collective breath hung on every move these guys made. And with the Celtics trading away both Harangody and Semih Erden, Murphy fills the void.
Ten Worst Sports Personalities
So, for reasons still beyond me, I acknowledged Joe Buck's existence in one of my last posts. I'm still pissed at myself for doing that. But what's done is done. So, with that done, I couldn't get his mind-fucking-numbingly monotone voice out of my head. I needed to replace it, but I couldn't shake the pure hate that I have for him. So I channelled that rage into creating a list of the ten worst sports personalities in the world. And by world, I mean America, because that's all that really matters.
- 10: Joe Morgan - He's 10 because ESPN displayed a bit of mercy on us all and got his dumb ass off of the air. He would have been higher. He didn't make sense, and if it wasn't for John Miller, I literally would have pretended Sunday night baseball didn't exist, in favor of reruns of American Gladiator on ESPN Classic. Thank God he's gone. May he die. Too much? Didn't think so.
- 9: Jay Mariotti - Outside of keeping the eyebrow waxing people of Chicago in business, he has added nothing of value. Unless you count smacking around women. But I don't count that.
- 8: Stephen A Smith - Why the fuck are you always yelling? Calm down or you'll have a heart attack. On second thought, keep it up.
- 7: Chris Berman - Rumbling, stumbling, bumbling through another Sunday, are ya? Yes, you are. And you still have a job only because you were there from day one. It's like the partnership that goes public, but doesn't know how to deal with the crazy old shit who helped start things up, but now is a liability. Apparently ESPN has loyalty that runs deeper than Sienna Miller. They shouldn't. Berman is the only reason I go to CBS and FOX over ESPN on Sundays.
- 6: Jim Rome - His one move is imitating the affect of Chandler from Friends, and epitomizes douche. Also, Jim, not everything is burning. Not everything is that serious. Calm the shit down. Other than that, he's solid I guess.
- 5: Emmitt Smith: He said all of these things:
- “You cannot change the stripes of a leopard.”
- “Don’t worry about the game you just won or the team that we just blew out… or, um… blown… blowed out… Let’s think about what we need to do going forward, and they had, uh… blown out.”
- “What happened tonight, the strength of the Patriots team got debacled.”
- “As my offense get better, my defense is gonna be that much more better.”
- And, destroying Jimmy V's moving speech, "Don't quit, don't even quit."
- 4: Tim McCarver - I really feel like I don't have to get too deep into this one.
- 3: Dick Vitale - A complete joke. A cartoon. I forgive the fact that he is a complete Duke homer. I don't forgive the fact that he is a babbling idiot who is like that professor you had in college who was tenured like fifteen years ago, and now is just the running joke around campus. He's weird, he's the dumbest faculty member, but keeps showing up and no one knows how to stop him.
- 2: Shannon Sharpe - He looks and sounds like Mr. Ed, but less coherent.
- 1: Colin Cowherd - I don't know where to start. This guy is an idiot who is trying to compensate for issues that he's had since he was six years old. And he's not doing a very good job. He isn't smart, though he pretends to be. He is arrogant, for reasons that are lost on me. He makes up the few stats that he throws around, and he takes pride in not watching games. He is embarassing, and he is the reason that I have to listen to Pandora between 10:00 and 1:00 every day at work. Seriously, espn radio could put on a Spanish donkey talking about Chilean hand-ball, and I would listen, but Cowherd makes me hate sports.
Who else sucks? Come on, the internet loves anger and hate. Let it rip.
Iran To Boycott Olympics
Iran is threatening to boycott of the 2012 London Olympics because it claims the official logo for the games reembles the word "Zion", which is a biblical term for Jerusalem. Bahram Afsharzadeh, the secretary-general of Iran's National Olympic Committee, says he sent a letter to IOC president Jacques Rogge in which he condemns the logo as "racist" and calls upon other Muslim countries to join in protest. The logo was unveiled four years ago to mass criticism, almost all of which had to do with the awkward, bulky design and not pro-Zionist conspiracy
Really Iran? Really?? How 'bout you kids pump the breaks a little bit and think about this. You're going to boycott the games because you're offended by the logo? Weak. Completely weak. Wait? What? Not being sensitive to their religion you say? Not it at all. I didn't even really read the article, I don't even know why they're upset. All I know is that they're trying to protest the Olympics by boycotting them. You're Iran, dude. You're not China. You're not Russia. You're Iran. You won two medals last time through, and one of them was in Tae Kwon Do. Being good at that should make you lose medals. The other was in men's wrestling, 55 Kg weight class. In other words, 120 pounds. Really fellas, 120 lbs? I've seen house cats that weigh more than that. I weighed that in fucking junior high. Iran boycotting the Olympics is like senators from Rhode Island boycotting D.C. because the real senators from New York and California are picking on them. The rest of the senate would be like, "Seriously? Rhode Island says they aren't coming? Like, for real? Fucking awesome, lets break out the Blue Label." Come on Iran, be better. I'm sure you guys can come up with other ways of trying to make your point ... actually, let's just stick with the boycott. Yep, the boycott is good. We're good. Aaaaand break.
Sports Video Game March Madness: Final Four
Yesterday I presented the eight contenders vying for top honors as the best sports video game of the 90's. I gave you their tournament resumes. And despite the fact that I'm starting to think that this line of posts sucks, I'm going keep going with it, because what else am I going to do at work? To make it out of this round, the games are going up against each other based on my experience with them. Whatever, here it is.
Matchup 1: Ken Griffey Jr. Major League Baseball vs. NBA Jam
Case For Ken Griffey Jr.: When everyone wanted to be like Mike, Griffey brought the cool back to baseball. He was the man, and if not for injuries would have hit 2,000 homeruns. But back to the game. I'm pretty sure I have carpal tunnel from playing this game for hours on end. And when I finally won the World Series, I pretty much shit my pants. I don't know if I've ever been as happy as I was then. Reading that last sentence back makes me realize that I'm pretty much a huge loser. Whatever. Griffey was the shit.
Case For NBA Jam: It was the first game that said "fuck it, lets just do crazy shit." People were dunking from the other side of the court, there were 50 point shots, backboards were breaking left and right. I'm even pretty sure that there were hookers and blow ... assuming that you played with Shawn Kemp or Anthony Mason.
Winner: Ken Griffey Jr. - You could literally throw pitches ten feet off of the plate, then bring them back for strikes. I once had 30 strikeouts in a game with Randy Johnson. Yup, let it go to extras just to do it. I did it. Rhymes with winning?
Matchup 2: NHL '94 vs. Madden 2002
Case For NHL '94: Fired up by the prospect of playing hockey after scoring like eight goals with Adam Oates, I got my first pair of rollerblades. They were pretty legit. Neon black with lightning bolts or some shit. Didn't think there was a neon black, did ya? Yeah, well, there is. And it fucking rocked. Probably wore them once, but whatever. Not the point. The point is that I once had a hat-trick with Oates, Ray Bourque, Ted Donato, and Sea Bass in the same game.
Case For Madden 2002: The day the new Madden game came out was like St. Patrick's day, New Years, and Batman Golf all rolled into a bottle of whisky handed to you at Centerfolds. But once my buddy choked me out after I kicked his ass with that stupid "run around with Culpepper and thow to Moss" move. Advantage, not this.
Winner: NHL '94 - Not just one of the most underrated games of all time, one of the most undrrated things of all time.
Matchup 3: Shaq-Fu vs. Royal Rumble (with a little help from RAW)
Case For Shaq-Fu: Like I said yesterday, this game pretty much sucks. I couldn't even think of a way to put it in to words, so I searched for reviews of the game. The first sentence I read pretty much summed it up: "To say that Shaq Fu is bad is like calling genocide 'a little naughty'."
Case For Royal Rumble: OK, so this game was awesome. And part of why it is awesome is that it was the first WWF game for SNES. It also gave birth to WWF RAW for SNES. These two games combined changed my life. Probably for the worse, by keeping me in the house, eating Corn Pops and Cool Ranch Doritos, and most likely flirting seriously with childhood diabetes. But whatever, fun times, fun times. Back to the games. Remember in RAW how you could get cheat codes and do super moves with all the wrestlers? 1-2-3 Kid's turnbuckle-to-turnbuckle jump? Bam Bam Bigelo's torpedo? Doink's field-goal kick? Yokozuna's cannon-ball off the top rope? Yeah, I thought so.
Winner: Royal Rumble (with a little help from RAW) - No duh.
Matchup 4: Mario Kart vs. Duck Hunt
Case For Mario Kart: Arguably the best video game of all time. So may different levels. You could play with up to like eighty people, I think. My buddies and I would literally pull all nighters, competing in tournaments to see who was the baddest Kart driver out there. And by all nighters, I mean crashing from a sugar high at like 11:00 and having a headache for the rest of the next day. Don't judge, I was like 11 years old. Really, I was just practicing for my future of being a degenerate gambler and functioning alcoholic. That's thinking ahead kids. Don't ever tell me that I've never worked toward anything.
Case For Duck Hunt: First game I ever played, which counts for something. But once I got tired of just doing the same thing, over and over and over and over, I had to move on. Kind of like another first.
Winner: Mario Kart - Really a no contest, second round TKO.
So there we are. We have our Final Four. More tomorrow. Like it or not ...
Matchup 1: Ken Griffey Jr. Major League Baseball vs. NBA Jam
Case For Ken Griffey Jr.: When everyone wanted to be like Mike, Griffey brought the cool back to baseball. He was the man, and if not for injuries would have hit 2,000 homeruns. But back to the game. I'm pretty sure I have carpal tunnel from playing this game for hours on end. And when I finally won the World Series, I pretty much shit my pants. I don't know if I've ever been as happy as I was then. Reading that last sentence back makes me realize that I'm pretty much a huge loser. Whatever. Griffey was the shit.
Case For NBA Jam: It was the first game that said "fuck it, lets just do crazy shit." People were dunking from the other side of the court, there were 50 point shots, backboards were breaking left and right. I'm even pretty sure that there were hookers and blow ... assuming that you played with Shawn Kemp or Anthony Mason.
Winner: Ken Griffey Jr. - You could literally throw pitches ten feet off of the plate, then bring them back for strikes. I once had 30 strikeouts in a game with Randy Johnson. Yup, let it go to extras just to do it. I did it. Rhymes with winning?
Matchup 2: NHL '94 vs. Madden 2002
Case For NHL '94: Fired up by the prospect of playing hockey after scoring like eight goals with Adam Oates, I got my first pair of rollerblades. They were pretty legit. Neon black with lightning bolts or some shit. Didn't think there was a neon black, did ya? Yeah, well, there is. And it fucking rocked. Probably wore them once, but whatever. Not the point. The point is that I once had a hat-trick with Oates, Ray Bourque, Ted Donato, and Sea Bass in the same game.
Case For Madden 2002: The day the new Madden game came out was like St. Patrick's day, New Years, and Batman Golf all rolled into a bottle of whisky handed to you at Centerfolds. But once my buddy choked me out after I kicked his ass with that stupid "run around with Culpepper and thow to Moss" move. Advantage, not this.
Winner: NHL '94 - Not just one of the most underrated games of all time, one of the most undrrated things of all time.
Matchup 3: Shaq-Fu vs. Royal Rumble (with a little help from RAW)
Case For Shaq-Fu: Like I said yesterday, this game pretty much sucks. I couldn't even think of a way to put it in to words, so I searched for reviews of the game. The first sentence I read pretty much summed it up: "To say that Shaq Fu is bad is like calling genocide 'a little naughty'."
Case For Royal Rumble: OK, so this game was awesome. And part of why it is awesome is that it was the first WWF game for SNES. It also gave birth to WWF RAW for SNES. These two games combined changed my life. Probably for the worse, by keeping me in the house, eating Corn Pops and Cool Ranch Doritos, and most likely flirting seriously with childhood diabetes. But whatever, fun times, fun times. Back to the games. Remember in RAW how you could get cheat codes and do super moves with all the wrestlers? 1-2-3 Kid's turnbuckle-to-turnbuckle jump? Bam Bam Bigelo's torpedo? Doink's field-goal kick? Yokozuna's cannon-ball off the top rope? Yeah, I thought so.
Winner: Royal Rumble (with a little help from RAW) - No duh.
Matchup 4: Mario Kart vs. Duck Hunt
Case For Mario Kart: Arguably the best video game of all time. So may different levels. You could play with up to like eighty people, I think. My buddies and I would literally pull all nighters, competing in tournaments to see who was the baddest Kart driver out there. And by all nighters, I mean crashing from a sugar high at like 11:00 and having a headache for the rest of the next day. Don't judge, I was like 11 years old. Really, I was just practicing for my future of being a degenerate gambler and functioning alcoholic. That's thinking ahead kids. Don't ever tell me that I've never worked toward anything.
Case For Duck Hunt: First game I ever played, which counts for something. But once I got tired of just doing the same thing, over and over and over and over, I had to move on. Kind of like another first.
Winner: Mario Kart - Really a no contest, second round TKO.
So there we are. We have our Final Four. More tomorrow. Like it or not ...
Great Rivalries
I was listening to the Scott Van Pelt show yesterday. Probably should have been working. Wasn't. Water under the bridge. Anyway, Ryen Russillo was talking about Heat/Knicks and how it was a pretty legit rivalry back in the day, when Jeff Van Gundy was attacking Alonzo Mourning's leg. Now, with Melo and Amare in NY and LeBron, Wade, and Chick Avatar in Miami, maybe the rivalry is back. Between all of that, and the fact that UNC/Duke is this weekend with Carolina playing some decent ball, I got to thinking of rivalries that need to stay awesome, come back, or calm the fuck down because they're not cool. And because everyone loves lists that they can read through in about ten seconds, here ya go ...
Awesome Rivalries
- Sox v. Yankees: To this day I won't read Yankee Magazine or go to a Yankee Swap because I'd feel like a shit face for doing it. Also, I don't really read and Yankee Swaps are ridiculous for so many reasons outside of the shitty name.
- Celtics v. Lakers: Take in the awesomeness here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7r6vXeOfyQ
- Game On! v. Cask'n Flagon: Pick one and stick with it.
- UNC v. Duke: Normal dudes versus prissy rich kids who rape strippers. Classic.
- Rocky Balboa v. Ivan Drago: If I have to explain this you're probably British or something stupid like that.
- Artie Lange v. Joe Buck: Any excuse to throw this link in here is an excuse I'll take because I can't stand Joe Buck http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pj8y2Oi1lFk
- Any Boxing Rivalry: Two dudes who just want to kill eachother for real. And more importantly, pay per view fights are the best excuse I've found thus far to get shit-tank drunk and scream like an asshole at your tv. I mean, not that I need an excuse. I'll throw in a Perfect Strangers tape in to the old VCR box and rage. But boxing just seems more natural.
- Tennesse v. UConn Women's Hoops: Can you feel that? Can you? Know what it is? I do. It's the sexual tension getting ready to explode between Geno Auriemma and Pat Summit. Hot.
- Ohio St. v. Michigan: It's not much of a rivalry when one beats the other one seventy hundred to nothing for seven years in a row.
- Shawn Michaels v. Brett Hart: The Excellence of Execution got hosed.
- USA v. USSR: Not in hockey, just in general. Let's get aggressive kids.
- Daniel Larusso v. Johnny Lawrence: I would literally pay to watch them fight now ... they must be like 50 and take prostate medicine.
- Zack v. Slater: Given how slutty Kelly got when she headed to 90210, they would have fought to the death.
- Ireland v. England: The fire ... umm ... actually, lets just let that one chill.
- Beavers v. Cadets: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMyuv3wkTJs
- Cowboys v. Redskins: The Cowboys aren't good at football. The Redskins aren't good at football. Go away.
- Harvard v. Yale: When half the people watching the game could play in the game, that's just stupid.
- Army v. Navy: I get it, trust me I do. But when was the last time you watched the game because you wanted to watch the football, and not because you felt like you had to?
- Hank Steinbrenner v. Whoever He's Pissed At This Week: Dude, just shut the fuck up. You're not your dad. He made something of himself. You just shit around, ripping butts and shooting off your mouth like you did something to be where you are. The only thing you ever did was beat out a few of your dad's sperm. Shut up ... just shut up.
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